Reality

My husband was an amazing person, as I'm sure all of you believe your husbands, wives, or significant others are too. There is a reason after all that you chose that person. I chose my husband not just because he was amazing, but fascinating. He had an energetic personality and when he spoke, you were drawn to him. I always said, and so did anyone else who ever met him, that he would be a great car salesman. He could truly sell anyone on anything, and he had me sold on him.

Like any marriage, ours had some tumultuous moments. Probably more than its fair share because we were both young, stubborn as hell, and passionate... especially passionate. Passion can be just as much a bad thing as a good thing in a marriage. We were passionate about loving one another, but we were just as passionate about fighting. We were passionate about just about everything.

NEITHER of us were perfect. I will never claim to be, nor will I ever blame everything in my marriage entirely on my husband. I'm very familiar with what I did wrong and what I could have done better.

The saying is that "hindsight is 20/20", but I think it applies more so to our mistakes in life and not as much to our accomplishments or those times that we did make the right decision. Whenever you look back, you have to look back with perspective and make a conscious effort to remember what you did right before overwhelming yourself with all of your faults and mistakes.

So it wasn't entirely his fault, wasn't entirely my fault that we didn't have a perfect marriage. Going back to the hindsight concept though, every action had a reaction, and every action was in one way shape or form a reaction to another action.

You get married and eventually all of the bliss and perfection fades away to reality. Sometimes reality's not that bad. It's after all the butterflies and bubbles fade away and you can still see yourself with that person in 20 years, then reality is okay. In my case, when I was left with MY reality... let's just say, it was not going to do.

My reality was that I was married to someone with different goals, different morals, different religious beliefs, different everything. All of that important stuff that you should probably agree on before you decide to spend the rest of your life with someone...

I didn't want a divorce, after all we had just gotten started. We hadn't even given it a fair chance yet. So I did what any naive, stubborn, young woman does. I set out to change my husband. He didn't believe in God, I could change that. He didn't see a problem with partying all the time, I could help him grow up. I was a one woman show and damned and determined to make things work. I feel empowered just thinking about it.

Then a second dose of reality... I found out my husband was having an affair. We're not talking a one night stand or Vegas fling either. Oh no, it was a full on affair like the kind you see on a soap opera. The girl that he had an affair with actually thought that he loved her. She actually thought that if I found out that I would leave him and she would have him all to herself. So what does she do? She tells me ALL about it. I think that every person at some point gives someone else or even themselves that speech that if anyone ever cheats on me then I'm done, no excuses, no second chances. That was my outlook too... until it actually happened. Walking away is a lot harder than you could have ever imagined, especially when you love that person with all your heart and want so much for it to work.

So I stayed. He apologized and sold me once again. I bought it and continued on my quest of "fixing" things. Now the list was just a bit longer is all. Over the course of our 2.5 year marriage, my husband had 4 affairs. So that one never got crossed off my list, actually none of them ever did.

There are people who believe that with enough love, you can make anything work. I don't believe that is true. There was no shortage of love between my husband and I. I never questioned whether or not he really loved me because I knew he did. Unfortunately, love alone doesn't make you a good spouse. All of those things that I listed before, the same God, morals, and goals are just as important, and we had none of those. In the end we were just not compatible.

But that's all hindsight, and hindsight is what it is because you're looking back and seeing the full picture. You're seeing all of the actions and reactions. It's only now, with that experience and knowledge, that I understand that a person cannot be willed to change. Change is something that has to come from within their own heart. You have to be able to love the person you see in reality, not the person that you believe they CAN be.

Alone

I had almost forgotten what it was like to be alone at night. I avoid it at all cost... It's only when I'm alone, after Ethan's gone to bed and it's just me and my thoughts. Then my mind races and I spend all night trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. Who needs sleep anyway?

I know that I really need nights like this, time by myself... and I preach to all of my friends the whole "you have to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with someone else." The truth is though... I can't stand the thought of being by myself and I really don't take my own advice. I find it much easier to just not be alone and not think about the issues I need to deal with on my own.

I keep trying to remember what I was doing about this time last year... like I'm looking for that turning point where I was supposed to save him. After talking to friends and family and putting pieces of the puzzle together, there were signs... What truly amazes me though is I didn't really have any of those pieces to that puzzle. I'm the person that should have known him better than anyone, but I was the one person that he never showed that side to. And that scares the shit out of me... how do you spend so much time and share your life with someone and then realize one day that you really have no idea who the hell they are? How do you REALLY know that you know someone?

All of my trust is gone... I didn't have a lot of trust to begin with, but now there's none. People who have never done anything to me... I don't trust them. I'm anticipating their betrayal... not IF, but WHEN. Don't take it personally. I don't even trust myself.

And of course there's the anger. Well anger and guilt... those are the only two steps of the grief cycle I actually remember. I don't think they're so much steps as this never ending state of mind... Steps are supposed to end. The only thing people say is "it's not your fault" and "you can't blame yourself." Ok... you don't know that and yes I can. I can use reason and logic and determine that obviously he made his own choices and I didn't force him to do anything, but logic has nothing to do with emotion. And staying angry is so much easier than being sad.

Real life isn't ruled by logic.