Saturday, March 15, 2008


I had almost forgotten what it was like to be alone at night. I avoid it at all cost... It's only when I'm alone, after Ethan's gone to bed and it's just me and my thoughts. Then my mind races and I spend all night trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. Who needs sleep anyway?

I know that I really need nights like this, time by myself... and I preach to all of my friends the whole "you have to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with someone else." The truth is though... I can't stand the thought of being by myself and I really don't take my own advice. I find it much easier to just not be alone and not think about the issues I need to deal with on my own.

I keep trying to remember what I was doing about this time last year... like I'm looking for that turning point where I was supposed to save him. After talking to friends and family and putting pieces of the puzzle together, there were signs... What truly amazes me though is I didn't really have any of those pieces to that puzzle. I'm the person that should have known him better than anyone, but I was the one person that he never showed that side to. And that scares the shit out of me... how do you spend so much time and share your life with someone and then realize one day that you really have no idea who the hell they are? How do you REALLY know that you know someone?

All of my trust is gone... I didn't have a lot of trust to begin with, but now there's none. People who have never done anything to me... I don't trust them. I'm anticipating their betrayal... not IF, but WHEN. Don't take it personally. I don't even trust myself.

And of course there's the anger. Well anger and guilt... those are the only two steps of the grief cycle I actually remember. I don't think they're so much steps as this never ending state of mind... Steps are supposed to end. The only thing people say is "it's not your fault" and "you can't blame yourself." Ok... you don't know that and yes I can. I can use reason and logic and determine that obviously he made his own choices and I didn't force him to do anything, but logic has nothing to do with emotion. And staying angry is so much easier than being sad.

Real life isn't ruled by logic.